DAN ‘THE HAMMER’ BAKALUK
If there's one question that troubles every thinking person, it's this: ‘Why did Apocalypse Now let the Hammer play on the team?’
There were no rules to the game of spongee when Hammer downed a handful of pills, 6 shots of tequila chased with a bottle of Bacardi. Hammer put the ‘FUN’ back in dysfunctional. He lived in a small West End apartment between a priest and a crack ho. This in itself created enough stories to write a bad TV sitcom. Hammer was often mugged and beaten up, but would never miss a spongee game just to testify at another court appearance.
On the ice, the Hammer combined a rare blend of both slow feet and stupidity. He had a very peculiar style that was hard to understand. Hammer would take slashing penalties for slashing his own arms. If he had the chance to re-live his spongee career, he claims the only thing he would do differently is, “I’d drink more.” The Snag played parts of seven years for Apocalypse Now between 1983 and 1994, totaling 39 games, including one game in goal. Judging by the 14 goals he gave up, it was obvious his reflexes were shot, despite his years in tennis, ping-pong and body-building,
The storied spongee career of the Hammer began in the late 1970’s when he entered a team of future Apocalypsers in the Canford Cup spongee tournament at Tuxedo CC. He was asked to play for Apocalypse in their initial season when they were desperate and lost a number of players to injury.
Throughout his career ‘Schmed’ never failed to entertain. While wearing his large, white ‘Spaceman’ helmet, he was awarded, not one, but two lifetime suspensions from the WSPHL. Winnipeg Sponge Puck Hockey League commissioner Mike Babinsky marveled at the Hammer’s antics and wrote a piece in the Winnipeg Sun (Feb/91):
“In 4th div. Joel, Rob and the Apocalypse team are slowly moving up. Could it be their team dedication? Hammer was sledding on Sunday, went down the hill, through the ice at the bottom, landed up to his neck in the water, struggled out soaking wet and still made it to the game on time. Only to be soaked again with 2 losses.”
Hammer “The Marathon Mystery Man” was no stranger to newspaper articles as his behavior was certainly not the norm. The nickname ‘Speed-bump’ stuck for a while because of his recurrent entanglements with transit buses. Prior to MPI instituting no-fault insurance, getting run over was a lucrative and necessary form of income for Hammer, just to pay his spongee fees. Although bodily injury adjusters watched his every move, MPI’s trio of Haithwaite, Moore and Stewart all turned a blind eye when Hammer would show up for another spongee game while sucking MPI dry for disability claims. Even his own teammate, Cam Tauffenbach tried to accidentally mow Hammer down with his car after the 1987 wind-up party.
Clothes-lining opposition players as they ran by our bench, crunching down the left-over lobster tails at the Norwood, self-inflicted injuries, crushing Pete’s coffee table at a team party, the phone calls in the middle of the night begging for a ride to the game, “Puh-leeeeze”. This was the legacy of the Hammer with Apocalypse Now.
The Hammer participated in a career total of 8 playoff games, contributing 15 minutes in penalties, but not one point. He did share in Apocalypse Now’s 1987 Championship win.
When asked to comment on his spongee career, the Hammer looked cross-eyed at his lemon-gin bottle, caressed it and said, “Needin, Ny-din, Nodin.”
